Anger as a Very Healthy Indicator
Many people see anger as something negative when in fact it is an entirely normal and healthy emotion. Anger is a warning indicator that something we have encountered threatens to harm us. That’s all. It’s not against a person or a thing, it’s not a horrible, negative state – it’s simply an indicator that something that occurred which threatens your well being.
If you really think about it… REALLY think about it, in every situation in which you are angry, you are angry because someone has done something that crossed a boundary you set on some level. Sure, there is always the surface reason. But I mean really think about WHY that surface reason makes you angry.
For instance :
- If someone lies to you, you get angry because their behavior threatens your sense of safety and their deceit could hurt you.
- If a superior makes a stupid decision at work, you get angry because their decision threatens your productivity and/or ability to perform, which in turn, threatens your job – and could hurt you.
Another common misconception about anger is that in order to feel and work through anger that you have to ‘allow yourself’ to be REALLY angry at the person or thing that caused the anger in order to ‘let it out’. Anger is not directed at other people or things. Anger is simply an indicator. It is a state of emotional arousal that prompts you to action.
Jane hits Jon. Jon feels anger. If he directs this anger AT Jane, he is likely to snap back, yell or hit Jane. If, instead, he acknowledges the anger as an indicator, he doesn’t react externally but instead thinks for a moment and then makes a decision that will actually remedy the real problem (which was that Jane crossed a boundary that inflicted physical pain and/or danger upon Jon), he will likely react in a way that could actually remedy the situation. For instance, expressing why hitting him is not ok and to remove himself from Jane.
We are often discouraged from expressing anger as ‘inappropriate’. When a person learns to not express anger, they will revert to one of two states – A. rage or B. entirely passive acceptance. Both are opposite ends of the anger spectrum and neither extreme is healthy. The healthy expressive place, where anger is concerned is right between those two extremes. In that place, the following happens :
- Realize there is anger
- Ask self why there is anger – what made you angry?
- Accept the answer
- Set a boundary that alleviates the distress that the anger is an indicator of
- Express your boundary and act upon it
- Allow the other party to make their own decision about whether or not they can live with that boundary
Unhealthy Anger Reactions :
- Addressed at another person or thing : this anger is actually misguided. Anger should not be directed, it should be acknowledged. Rather than saying “I am angry at so and so”, say “What that person did made me angry… why?”
- Rage : Rage is unexpressed anger. Just because you outwardly explode in anger, doesn’t mean you are expressing it. Properly expressed anger communicates a boundary. The rage felt in a given situation is rarely actually a result of that situation but is rather a knee jerk reaction to tons of built up anger. Built up anger is a stash of warning signals that have not been addressed to the satisfaction of your subconscious. Your subconscious is still afraid that those situations or people are a danger or could reoccur.
- Completely Passive : If you are entirely passive when you feel the stab of anger and resist any reaction or explain a reaction away, you are, in essence telling yourself that you refuse to set a boundary that will keep the harm from happening to yourself. Remember, a ‘reaction’ doesn’t have to be outward – it can be an inward process of discovering the cause and alleviating it.
We live in a society in which setting boundaries and enforcing them is discouraged, at worst. At best, boundary setting is simply not taught. In our society, anger, the indicator that a boundary has been crossed, is also highly unpopular. As a result, most people have poor boundaries and or poor anger management skills.
For the next week, keep a running list of everything that makes you angry in the following way :
1) What made me angry
2) Why it made me angry
3) What boundary did it violate? Is this a boundary I have previously explored, understood and communicated or is this a boundary I was not aware of?
You can leave it at that or if you discover that you’d like to change the items you saw, you can learn to express and enforce these boundaries. One of the books that I recommend frequently for learning to communicate potentially angry or defensive subjects is called Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion. I highly recommend it for learning to communicate anger effectively and in a healthy way. 
If you use the stuff in the book, you can defuse just about anything.
